Proposal and press conference from Umbria
May 6, 2017 13:29:08 GMT
Linde (x-GM), Maelgwyn ap Cadwgan (TOG), and 3 more like this
Post by ET (Kerberos) on May 6, 2017 13:29:08 GMT
AKA A modest proposal to solve every major problem in Albion and lay the foundation for future stability.
Eltaor, the Press secretary to the Aelven king, strides on to the scene before the assembled press corps of Albion.
Eltaor: Thank you all as you know I have recently returned from North Hold where I on Behalf of King Caern have succeeded in no lesser feat than talking the Dwarves into some semblance of reason. I have consulted with his majesty and we agreed that having accomplished this surely all the other petty squabbles than plague Albion should pose no great challenge.
Now the troubles that plague Albion are many, but chief among them is that idiotic debacle in Nemeth. The petty squabble over land and law in Elmet and most importantly, since it actually affects something beyond the brief pointless thing that is a human lifespan the fact that there’s a hole into the Shadow in what used to be Lothia. Bloody Lothians can’t even die without creating problems for everyone.
Now all of these problems are at the root religions in nature, and the solution is therefore so simple that in baffles the mind that even human have not grasped it. The problem is the lack of alignment between the religion dominant in each land and the character of the land and regent ruling this domain, the solution is thus to remedy the misalignment by an exchange of holding between the three major religions in Albion.
First we have our friends from the TOG representing the forces of Lawful goodness. The staunch unflinching adherence to justice decency and the near religions worship of words written on paper, when so many problem could be solved by ignoring just a few treaties.
Secondly we have our friends from the NSE representing the forces of chaotic goodness. The equally staunch supporters of justice freedom, killing fhomorian-spawn, a worthy cause if ever there was one, and apparently on occasion refusing all sensible compromise and contributing to pointless wars.
Last of all we have our… well.. People from TOR. Representing the forces of true neutral the staunch supporters of blatant opportunism, a certain amount of pragmatism and being unapologetically douche, but not quite evil.
Let us start with the Nemeth situation. Clearly the root problem here is Gildenwolf formally adhering to TOG, but really? Starting a war because you puny feelings were hurt? Allying, by marriage even, to Bayard the most despicable realm in Albion now that Lothia is gone. Surely there can be no debate that the proper faith for Gildenwolf is TOR.
King Alden meanwhile celebrates his coronation by exiling all foreigners from his land and displaying all the tact and diplomacy of a hungry badger. He then invades Alined claiming that some silly treaty allows it despite the fact that he made no Alined specific exception to his exile of foreigners and had therefore himself broke the treaty. Clearly the NSE must abandon their holding there in farvour of the true and fated religion of Alden TOR.
As Gildenwolf declaration of war was against the NSE this solves the problem as the two lands will worship the same gods. The TOR will then rule on the legitimacy of Aldens reign, but if they replace him must ensure that this replacement is not significantly less douchy than the man himself.
Mercia meanwhile are formally CN, but clearly, they fool no one running around righting wrongs and saving even Lothians who are clearly unworthy of such mercy. The TOR will abandon their holding in Mercia in favour of the NSE.
The problem in Elmet is solved by the TOR abandoning their holding there is favour of TOG. This way the Queen of Carleon can declare victory in her silly squabble there and focus on real problems.
As for the last and most significant problem TOR will cast shadowward in Bayard and the former Lothian provinces to prevent undead from running over northern Albion. The main temple in the area however will be TOG as the land has apparently seen it fit to bestow the rulership of the area to a TOG cleric.
This leaves the problem of the Mad King. TOR are supposed to represent the douchy but not quite evil. The Mad King overshoot that target by several orders of magnitude. Clearly he and his entire bloodline must be eradicated and replaced by someone suitably douche and opportunistic, but again not quite evil.
Finally the Dwarves should stop being such whinny bitches and show some god damned gratitude when people save their stunty asses. We have no actual proposal to bring this about through. Even my ingenuity and the wisdom of the Aelven king as its limits
Any question?
Umbrian observer: This is brilliant.
Eltaor: Yes.
Umbrian observer: This will solve every major problem in Albion,
Eltaor: True
Umbrian observer: This will lay the foundation for future stability.
Eltaor: I couldn’t have said it better myself,
Umbrian observer: But would lasting peace not be better served of all of Albion bend down to the Aelven King as their overlord?
Eltaor: It might seem that way, the desire to submit to the endless wisdom of the Aelven King is certainly a reasonable one. Realistically though while the mental fortitude of King Caern is second only to his wisdom the strain of dealing with all the petty problems of humanity for centuries on end could not help but drive him slowly to murderous insanity.
Umbrian observer: But should we be so quick to dismiss the merits of murderous insanity? Surely the eradication of all humans and their replacement with a civilized race, would be truest guarantee of lasting peace?
Eltaor: True, but Umbria maintains an unflinching adherence to CG principles, and such action would simply not be consistent with that.
Albion Daily: But Aelven soldiers have ruthlessly plundered Lothian land causing countless deaths and systematically …
Eltaor: Well that doesn’t apply to Lothia and Bayard obviously.
Umbrian observer: Goes without saying really *rolls eyes*.
Eltaor: As for Bayard and the remaining Lothians the King consulted with the Council of clans and it was decided that due to the weakness of the veil eradicating them was not viable. Lothians and Bayardian being marginally preferable to denizens of the shadow.
Umbrian observer: What was the tally of the vote?
Eltaor: An even split actually, the vote was determined by cointoss.
Penny Pinchers Press: I’m running the numbers and it seem to me that the exchange is not completely..
Eltaor: Yes, Yes, I’m sure it doesn’t add up all the way, and I’m glad we can count on our friends from NT to point this out. I’m sure we’ll have to arrange various side-payments and will have many fascinating discussion about the comparative exchange rate between gold and regency. This is a principal proposal, not a final agreement.
Helna Express: What if Alden doesn’t wish to exchange the NSE with TOR?
Eltaor: Then he should have behaved more chaotically good and less douchy. This is all for the best you’ll understand when you grow older.
Gawant post: Gildenwolf is a staunch follower of the One god how can you..
Eltaor: If he was such a staunch follower of the One God he should have listened when a TOG cleric declared Alden legitimately the Lands choice. You know behaved more lawfully good and less douchy. This is all for the best you’ll understand when you grow older.
Traitor Elf Conspiracy News: Filthy Elves! His Majesty King Godfred will never accept…
Eltaor: Then he should have behaved more douchily and less like the murderous madman he is. This is all for the best you’d understand if you grew older.
Eltaor signals and hidden archers let lose. The reporter from Traitor Elf Conspiracy News however disappears in a puff of black smoke and the an arrow strikes a reporter from the Wessex Express in the leg.
Eltaor swear as the hall is brought back into order and a cleric reporter from the TOG publication Holier Than Thou tend to the wounded reporter.
Eltaor: How do those bastard from Bayard pull those disappearing acts?
The reporter from the Albion daily hesitatingly raises his hand:
Etaor: Yes?
Albion Daily: Is this entire proposal simply a convoluted way of justifying the killing of the entire Bayard Royal line?
Eltaor: Nonsense, King Caerns motivations are entirely unselfish and the proposal is designed only to solve problems that Albion faces and it prevent more from arising in the future. The eradication of the Bayard Royal Line is simply a necessity to protect the integrity of the TOR brand.
Albion Daily: So the King motivation are entirely pure?
Eltaor: Obviously.
Albion Daily: And TOR is the religion dedicated to the douchy?
Eltaor: Where is this going?
Albion Daily: Well I believe TOR have a holding in Umbria which I have heard no proposal to remove so does that not imply..
Eltaor: I’m sorry we can’t keep taking questions from the same paper, I’m sure other have something to ask.
A beaded man in heavy furs jumps to his feat not waiting to be acknowledged.
Blood sacrifices weekly: This entire proposal is based on the heretical notion that peace is good! Only through struggle and sacrifice can..
Eltaor: Ah, I’m so glad the ToBs journalists responded to our invitation, let’s see if this works this time.
Eltaor signals again and the ToB reporter sinks to the ground filled with a dozen arrow. He turns to an aide
Eltaor: Well at least it worked this time, I can’t believe they were dumb enough to send someone, try sending a pigeon explaining that their reporter never arrived and ask them to send a replacement. We’ll see how many we can winnow out before they figure it out.
Eltaor: More questions? I promise we won’t shoot anymore, not until another reporter from ToB or Bayard arrives anyways. Anyone?
Eltaor, the Press secretary to the Aelven king, strides on to the scene before the assembled press corps of Albion.
Eltaor: Thank you all as you know I have recently returned from North Hold where I on Behalf of King Caern have succeeded in no lesser feat than talking the Dwarves into some semblance of reason. I have consulted with his majesty and we agreed that having accomplished this surely all the other petty squabbles than plague Albion should pose no great challenge.
Now the troubles that plague Albion are many, but chief among them is that idiotic debacle in Nemeth. The petty squabble over land and law in Elmet and most importantly, since it actually affects something beyond the brief pointless thing that is a human lifespan the fact that there’s a hole into the Shadow in what used to be Lothia. Bloody Lothians can’t even die without creating problems for everyone.
Now all of these problems are at the root religions in nature, and the solution is therefore so simple that in baffles the mind that even human have not grasped it. The problem is the lack of alignment between the religion dominant in each land and the character of the land and regent ruling this domain, the solution is thus to remedy the misalignment by an exchange of holding between the three major religions in Albion.
First we have our friends from the TOG representing the forces of Lawful goodness. The staunch unflinching adherence to justice decency and the near religions worship of words written on paper, when so many problem could be solved by ignoring just a few treaties.
Secondly we have our friends from the NSE representing the forces of chaotic goodness. The equally staunch supporters of justice freedom, killing fhomorian-spawn, a worthy cause if ever there was one, and apparently on occasion refusing all sensible compromise and contributing to pointless wars.
Last of all we have our… well.. People from TOR. Representing the forces of true neutral the staunch supporters of blatant opportunism, a certain amount of pragmatism and being unapologetically douche, but not quite evil.
Let us start with the Nemeth situation. Clearly the root problem here is Gildenwolf formally adhering to TOG, but really? Starting a war because you puny feelings were hurt? Allying, by marriage even, to Bayard the most despicable realm in Albion now that Lothia is gone. Surely there can be no debate that the proper faith for Gildenwolf is TOR.
King Alden meanwhile celebrates his coronation by exiling all foreigners from his land and displaying all the tact and diplomacy of a hungry badger. He then invades Alined claiming that some silly treaty allows it despite the fact that he made no Alined specific exception to his exile of foreigners and had therefore himself broke the treaty. Clearly the NSE must abandon their holding there in farvour of the true and fated religion of Alden TOR.
As Gildenwolf declaration of war was against the NSE this solves the problem as the two lands will worship the same gods. The TOR will then rule on the legitimacy of Aldens reign, but if they replace him must ensure that this replacement is not significantly less douchy than the man himself.
Mercia meanwhile are formally CN, but clearly, they fool no one running around righting wrongs and saving even Lothians who are clearly unworthy of such mercy. The TOR will abandon their holding in Mercia in favour of the NSE.
The problem in Elmet is solved by the TOR abandoning their holding there is favour of TOG. This way the Queen of Carleon can declare victory in her silly squabble there and focus on real problems.
As for the last and most significant problem TOR will cast shadowward in Bayard and the former Lothian provinces to prevent undead from running over northern Albion. The main temple in the area however will be TOG as the land has apparently seen it fit to bestow the rulership of the area to a TOG cleric.
This leaves the problem of the Mad King. TOR are supposed to represent the douchy but not quite evil. The Mad King overshoot that target by several orders of magnitude. Clearly he and his entire bloodline must be eradicated and replaced by someone suitably douche and opportunistic, but again not quite evil.
Finally the Dwarves should stop being such whinny bitches and show some god damned gratitude when people save their stunty asses. We have no actual proposal to bring this about through. Even my ingenuity and the wisdom of the Aelven king as its limits
Any question?
Umbrian observer: This is brilliant.
Eltaor: Yes.
Umbrian observer: This will solve every major problem in Albion,
Eltaor: True
Umbrian observer: This will lay the foundation for future stability.
Eltaor: I couldn’t have said it better myself,
Umbrian observer: But would lasting peace not be better served of all of Albion bend down to the Aelven King as their overlord?
Eltaor: It might seem that way, the desire to submit to the endless wisdom of the Aelven King is certainly a reasonable one. Realistically though while the mental fortitude of King Caern is second only to his wisdom the strain of dealing with all the petty problems of humanity for centuries on end could not help but drive him slowly to murderous insanity.
Umbrian observer: But should we be so quick to dismiss the merits of murderous insanity? Surely the eradication of all humans and their replacement with a civilized race, would be truest guarantee of lasting peace?
Eltaor: True, but Umbria maintains an unflinching adherence to CG principles, and such action would simply not be consistent with that.
Albion Daily: But Aelven soldiers have ruthlessly plundered Lothian land causing countless deaths and systematically …
Eltaor: Well that doesn’t apply to Lothia and Bayard obviously.
Umbrian observer: Goes without saying really *rolls eyes*.
Eltaor: As for Bayard and the remaining Lothians the King consulted with the Council of clans and it was decided that due to the weakness of the veil eradicating them was not viable. Lothians and Bayardian being marginally preferable to denizens of the shadow.
Umbrian observer: What was the tally of the vote?
Eltaor: An even split actually, the vote was determined by cointoss.
Penny Pinchers Press: I’m running the numbers and it seem to me that the exchange is not completely..
Eltaor: Yes, Yes, I’m sure it doesn’t add up all the way, and I’m glad we can count on our friends from NT to point this out. I’m sure we’ll have to arrange various side-payments and will have many fascinating discussion about the comparative exchange rate between gold and regency. This is a principal proposal, not a final agreement.
Helna Express: What if Alden doesn’t wish to exchange the NSE with TOR?
Eltaor: Then he should have behaved more chaotically good and less douchy. This is all for the best you’ll understand when you grow older.
Gawant post: Gildenwolf is a staunch follower of the One god how can you..
Eltaor: If he was such a staunch follower of the One God he should have listened when a TOG cleric declared Alden legitimately the Lands choice. You know behaved more lawfully good and less douchy. This is all for the best you’ll understand when you grow older.
Traitor Elf Conspiracy News: Filthy Elves! His Majesty King Godfred will never accept…
Eltaor: Then he should have behaved more douchily and less like the murderous madman he is. This is all for the best you’d understand if you grew older.
Eltaor signals and hidden archers let lose. The reporter from Traitor Elf Conspiracy News however disappears in a puff of black smoke and the an arrow strikes a reporter from the Wessex Express in the leg.
Eltaor swear as the hall is brought back into order and a cleric reporter from the TOG publication Holier Than Thou tend to the wounded reporter.
Eltaor: How do those bastard from Bayard pull those disappearing acts?
The reporter from the Albion daily hesitatingly raises his hand:
Etaor: Yes?
Albion Daily: Is this entire proposal simply a convoluted way of justifying the killing of the entire Bayard Royal line?
Eltaor: Nonsense, King Caerns motivations are entirely unselfish and the proposal is designed only to solve problems that Albion faces and it prevent more from arising in the future. The eradication of the Bayard Royal Line is simply a necessity to protect the integrity of the TOR brand.
Albion Daily: So the King motivation are entirely pure?
Eltaor: Obviously.
Albion Daily: And TOR is the religion dedicated to the douchy?
Eltaor: Where is this going?
Albion Daily: Well I believe TOR have a holding in Umbria which I have heard no proposal to remove so does that not imply..
Eltaor: I’m sorry we can’t keep taking questions from the same paper, I’m sure other have something to ask.
A beaded man in heavy furs jumps to his feat not waiting to be acknowledged.
Blood sacrifices weekly: This entire proposal is based on the heretical notion that peace is good! Only through struggle and sacrifice can..
Eltaor: Ah, I’m so glad the ToBs journalists responded to our invitation, let’s see if this works this time.
Eltaor signals again and the ToB reporter sinks to the ground filled with a dozen arrow. He turns to an aide
Eltaor: Well at least it worked this time, I can’t believe they were dumb enough to send someone, try sending a pigeon explaining that their reporter never arrived and ask them to send a replacement. We’ll see how many we can winnow out before they figure it out.
Eltaor: More questions? I promise we won’t shoot anymore, not until another reporter from ToB or Bayard arrives anyways. Anyone?